the pirate fall

Finally some africa pictures!

2007-11-08T09:51:00.000-08:00

So, here are some of my memories from the african summer. there are about a million others, but these particular ones made my heart flutter when i was searching through the endless sea of pictures. They are from all over, and in no particular order. i might post some more someday. its just strange. every single picture has a story behind it, and i want to explain it in full detail, but i cant. you just have to be there.

home sweet...africa?

2007-10-18T12:07:00.001-07:00

yup.

its official. i miss africa. terribly. and i would have about a million pictures to put up, but i get nervous trying to figure these sorts of things out... things like how to post pictures on a blog. i dont know why. some may even say its irrational.
well, anyway, the african adventure is not one i can easily put into writing. the whole journey was crazy and beautiful and scary and good. there were definite times i probably should've died. I remember trying to email my mom, and being all undercover (like i couldnt say "jesus" or things of that nature) so i used all these sly code-words. i have ALWAYS wanted to use sly code-words. but this was for reals.
my main goal, throughout all these emails, was to convey a sense of security, and even harmony. for instance, when i got sick (so sick, i was found sleeping on a dirt floor next to a squatty potty in 120 degree weather at 3 am) i tried to brush it off, making it sound like i was a bit "under the weather," when in fact, i was told i had malaria. i still dont know what i had. all i know is, it was aweful.
every minute of my life there was extremely unstable. not in a bad sense, but in a way where i could never count on anything, except peoples words. I began to trust people, not because i wanted to, but because my life depended on it. for me, this is a big deal. people have always let me down, and i am no exception. i have built a firm foundation on the fact that people fail, and i will be hurt.
however, i could not live like this in africa. i had to trust. i had to believe that when i left the bus station in the middle of some crazy city in some crazy nation, that someone would be there to pick me up, to help me adjust, and to be my friend. i didnt have a phone, and email was rare and expensive. and so, i began to let down my guard.
through that, i got to experience some of the most raw friendships i have ever had. i really like africa. i still am processing that trip, and wondering when i will ever go back, because believe you me, i will.
as of now, i am trying to adjust to "normal" life again, whatever that means. sometimes i want to tell people whats out there, whats really going on in the rest of the world, but words just cant do it. and so, i am trying to live it.

i've found it.

2007-10-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

Over a month i have been in the states now, and still my determination to see certain nations changed hasn't diminished. There is something new, and a little frightening, growing in my heart, my mind, my every-day thoughts. Its the notion that maybe, just maybe, I really can change the world.
As i look back on the years (maybe even months) i see an insecure girl start to step up, step out, and face her (numerous) fears that have held her back most of her life. She has striven, mind you, her entire existence to find a cause to throw her entire being at...Every ounce of her has screamed for a life worth living for. However, she also knew this meant facing unspeakable fears. She would be discovered... all her dirt, all her grime, all her weakeness. and eveyone would see the true failure she really was.
But something was whispering deep into her soul. Saying "My grace is sufficient for you. my grace is sufficient for you." What is grace? she'd been taught about it her whole life. she'd sung the songs, read the verses, even told other people about it. but i dont think she ever really got it. until recently.
Yes, she is a failure. she could never save herself. she could never save others. But she started to do something, something entirely key to her very existence. she started to do things she'd been taught. little things, like actually loving her neighbor, whether that neigbor be in Africa, or literally right next door. She started to spread the gospel, whether it was with actions, or standing in front of hundreds of people and sharing about Jesus. Although she never felt worthy, God always used her. Although she never felt worthy, God found her extremely capable.
And during all this, the fears began to fade. What can man do to me? oh, alot. But the better question is, what can i do for man? the answer, is love. i can love them. i can feed them. i can tell them they are beautiful and valuable, and even equip them to become nation changers. I had no idea that this girl actually had the authority to speak into peoples lives. Grace, maybe not yet even fully understood, had alot to do with this new revelation.
It is a continuous journey for me to figure out this whole grace thing. its something prostitutes, drug addicts, drunks, and criminals get, but for some reason, those of us raised in the church have the hardest time figuring this out. I have to earn it! It cant possibly be free! thats preposterous!
But no, it really is free. I am a failure. in so many ways. But i am done condemning myself. God certainly never condemned me. and to show my gratitude, i have decided to take the steps to follow him, whether they are baby steps, or gigantic "go to africa alone" steps. and with each step comes the greatest adventures i could ever hope for.

its become so real

2007-06-22T13:35:00.001-07:00

These days, it seems like the Portland international airport is the hub of my social life. I have been there more times this last week than i have this entire last year. This week, i said goodbye to my norwegian friend as she heads home for the summer, said "nee-how" to danielles fiancee's (krispin) family as they flew in from china, said goodbye to my german friend as he heads home, and goodbye to mel, my friend from kansas. The worst, however, was saying goodbye to Lindsay, my oldest sibling whom i have adored and looked up to my whole life. She left for Uganda yesterday, and i only wish i could be there with her. However, that same day, my parents flew in from alaska where they had amazing adventures with God and the natives in the the alaskan bush.

My life is a blur of goodbye and hello.

And i am still not used to it. i don't think i ever will be. I knew when i chose this lifestyle, that it would be crazy, but still, nothing can fully prepare you for saying goodbye to the people who have become your family, over and over. I will see them all again, but it seems like and eternity away. but really, its just until the fall.

What makes it a little more bearable is the fact that i am LEAVING FOR AFRICA IN 2 1/2 WEEKS! its for sure. the tickets are bought, ministries planned, itinerary sorted out, and team assembled. and i am really really excited. so, i am going to tell you kind of what we are doing...

first, Minju and I fly out of Portland on july 9th and catch our connecting flight to Uganda in Amsterdam. the cool part is, we are meeting up with two boys there, who will be joining us in our adventures in Uganda and Sudan. their names are David and Darrel and they really love Jesus. Then we fly into Entebbe Uganda. A friend of mine and Minju's is already in Uganda working with AIDS orphans (Annie from Corban College), and she is sending a taxi down to Entebbe to take us to Kampala where she will be waiting. From Kampala we are traveling by bus up to northern Uganda to a city called Arua, where we will be staying at a base there, helping out with local needs and learning more about how we can get connected. From Arua, we will border hop to South Sudan to a town called Yei, for ten days, helping another base in ministry wherever it is needed. Mostly in IDP (internally Displaced Peoples) camps. We might be digging wells, building huts, working with children, teaching english or whatever else we can do. We just want to serve while learning more about the situation over there. one of my major goals is to obtain enough information as i can and bring it back to my church and to the base. The more info we have, the more responsible we become, and the more responsible we become, the more passionate we are for bringing change.

From Yei, we travel southeast to Gulu and will be there for around 8 days. This is an area that has been ravaged by war. The infamous LRA (Lords Resistance Army) in previous years has been known to completely ransack this area, destroying villages, kidnapping children to become child soldiers, and killing anyone and everyone in their path. Gulu is packed with IDP camps. Camps where entire generations have grown up never knowing a land of their own. never knowing a life without war.
Here, we will be going to different villages (camps) and making friends with these beautiful people. Some villages in this area have never heard the gospel, they are an unreached people group, and we have the honor and privilege to be the first to share it with them. We actually have to hike into some of these villages because they are so unreached. there are no roads! it's a good thing i have a strong back, but im still going to pack light. this is going to be fantastically out of my comfort zone! hooray!

From Gulu, we travel south to Soroti for a few days to drop off our friend Annie where she will spend the remainder of her time working in a clinic for AIDS patients. Minju, David, Darrel and I will then head to Entebbe where we will catch a flight to Kenya where we have a short layover, then on to Khartoum, Sudan. We will be there for 25 days doing a variety of things. i can specify later on those details...

but anyhow, then we fly home to good ol PDX on the 29th of August. you guys, i am so thankful. so excited. so not ready (but am i ever?) and so in love with jesus that i will follow him to the ends of the earth. I simply cannot wait to share all of my adventures, stories, experiences, pictures and information when i return. I will be different, there is no avoiding that. I have a strange feeling that during this trip, i will learn more about my identity and my destiny. Who i am in christ, how i am going to use my gifts, and how i am going to live out my passion.
I am counting down the days.

the crazy part is, i fly into Uganda the day Lindsay flies out. life is so strange sometimes. but so beautiful.

the african summer

2007-06-06T11:36:00.000-07:00

where have the days gone?
honestly, did the california mobile trip really end more than three weeks ago? The days have been a frantic blur, amidst which i am making the hardest decisions i have ever had to make in my life.
California was incredible. We got over 150 contacts who are interested in missions, and now our job has been to keep in touch by calling and emailing, encouraging them to do something with their lives. encouraging them to change the world. encouraging them to come do a DTS!
After we returned to Salem, I was told by the leadership that I was not going to be able to go to Africa this summer. I dont know if i told everyone, but my plan for this summer was that i would go to Uganda/ Sudan with my friend and colleague, Minju. After India and Australia fell through, i desperately wanted this chance. I have wanted to work in Africa for so long, this seemed like the perfect opportunity. I had so many questions, and so many reservations. But i decided to try. So, as you can imagine, being told "no" right after california was a bit heart-wrenching. But something told me to try again. Minju and i sat down and decided to re-submit a preposal to the leadership. But something was holding me back. After having thought that i was supposed to go to India and Australia, i was doubting the fact that God had said to go to Africa. I thought maybe this was simply me just wanting to go. Minju and I decided right then and there to pray, and ask God for a clear answer. I hate being this bold with God, because i am afraid His answer will be something i am uncomfortable with.
So i sat there, and told God i was OK with anything He wanted for me. I was honestly OK with staying here in Salem. I would serve, i would be the best registrar/hospitality preson they have ever had! I would mobilize and recruit, and most importantly, i would have joy, because i serve and amazing God. And then i told him i was also pretty cool with going to Africa, too. I told him i know it didnt make much sense, what with visas and plane tickets and all, but I would go if he still told me.
and then i waited. and in the silence, all i heard was "Go." over and over. and then i felt peace. for the first time in months, i felt real peace. peace that passes ALL understanding. It didnt make sense. Honestly, it would be easier to stay and serve on the base. it would be easy to explain to people why i wasn't going, why i had to stay. logically, it was simple not to go. but that is not what i heard.
my fear disappeared. my questions were quieted. And so we finished the proposal form, and turned it into the leadership. They had already said no, but now i knew what God has said. After a weekend of prayer and consideration, they cleared me to go to Uganda and Sudan. that was a week ago. Since then, Minju and i have sent in our visa apps, bought plane tickets, researched ministries, gotten yellow fever/ spinal meningitis shots and have prayed like crazy for these amazing nations. I am still in shock. God is good.
We leave july 9th, and will return august 28th. I am in for the adventure of a lifetime. my only regret is that i will not be spending any time with my family this summer. the first summer in my life that i will not spend with them. I love my family so dearly. the thing is, i know they are all in support of this. they could not be happier for me, and this gives me more joy than anything.

the good kind of exhausted

2007-05-04T23:57:00.000-07:00

we just had the best two days of the entire mobile trip.
we had the priviledge to work with an amazing ministry in the ghettos of L.A. It was so much fun just hanging out with all the kids. we were told that the area we were in was a huge gang area, and that shootings are not an uncommon thing. The gangs wage war on one another, all hispanic, and if you make a wrong move on marked street, you might as well be dead.
understanding this, then spending two days with some of the most incredibly sweet/loving/smart kids, it broke my heart. these kids have been brought up to believe you need a gang to survive. that revenge and retaliation give you the respect you've been told you deserve. their role models are either in jail, selling drugs, or prostituting themselves on the street. this is normal life for them. and i want to take them all home. every. single. one.
But i cant save them. i can hang out with them, encourage them, tell them they are beautiful and loved. i can tell them they are good at things. all sorts of things, like soccer, art, music and homework. I can show them they have value. real value. but ultimately, the decision is theirs.
when we left today, they surrounded us, and prayed for us, and didn't want us to leave. these are the kids who they said never pray out loud. they gave us an offering, and i felt ashamed, only because i would rather have given all my money to them, or to a cause that would ensure their bright futures. normally i hate being called candy. i usually loathe it. but today, it was the most beautiful name i've ever answered to. that and "dulces".
I've never been so blessed in my life, i dont think. the people at the mission, the kids, my team, were all so incredible. i couldn't have asked for better friendships than these. i couldnt have asked for a more effective two days. i am exhausted. but the good kind. the kind where i know something real happened. that a difference was made, and that difference was the love of
Christ being present in us. not only present, but contageous.
We got back to riverside (where we normally reside) at around 11:15 pm. we have to wake up at 4:30 to begin our travels to santa margarita where we will be setting up our booth and doing a fair bit of mobilizing at a cinco de mayo fest. it really is a good kind of exhaustion.

going mental, going mobile (part 2)

2007-04-30T16:38:00.000-07:00

Here i am, in Southern California. I am on a mobile trip, the second one i've ever been on. (see previous posts for details of the first.)
Megan, Luke and I were all, how do you say, left behind, when everyone from our base decided to go off and have amazing adventures over-seas and change the world. But we get to do this. we get to share our passion with colleges, high schools, youth groups and churches. we have been handing out buttons like mad, and people really are responding. we have been praying that God would lead us to specific people, so it should come as no surprise when people keep saying things like "man, God has really been speaking to me about missions. i wonder if this means something. hmm."
People are slightly weirded out that we came ALL the way from oregon (as if it were another country) to come and talk about what we are doing and why. my common response is because i love it. i love the challenge, the adventure, the freedom, and the knowledge that i am making a difference. a real difference.
Its been a good week so far. we are here for another two, and tomorrow we pick up my most amazing norwegian friend from the airport in ontario. (she had to renew her visa in mexico. yeah, beautiful naive norwegian blonde, alone in mexico. I dont know how she is still alive. she's crazy.)
mostly, i love hanging out with college age studenst who have so much passion, but have no idea what to do with it. we get to give them some ideas, some options, and their response is so fresh. they really do want to change things.
the best part is, we get to be in the sun. alot. mostly because we set up our huge promo booth outside at some random college. and this is So Cal, and it is hot. us oregonians just aren't used to it. we are baking like toasted cheesers.
oh, and megan got a rash. a really bad rash covering her arms. we believe she is allergic to the sun. yup. amidst the white and freckly-ness of her skin, you can now see bulbous red lumps starting to creep their way up her skin. it would be really funny if it didnt itch so much. tonight, we are sharing at a youth group. we are doing a full set, meaning we speaking, showing a DVD, doing monologues and then i am playing a song i wrote. im nervous. we have not done this yet. but i think it is going to be good.
ok. i will keep you posted about how things are going.
oh! we also got to go to the huge displace me even held by the "invisible children" people here in LA. We slept in cardboard boxes alongside 6,000 other people. look it up online, you might just see us.

the times they are a-change'n.

2007-04-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

My team is gone. three weeks ago i said goodbye as the students that i have had the privilege to disciple, stepped onto a plane and left for Cambodia/Thailand for the next two months. and i am so proud. I eagerly await the stories of the miraculous, the bus rides, the scary food, the squatty potties and of course, the stories of God's amazing ability to break your heart for the things that break his.
these last two weeks, i have been working in the registrar, practicing my professional phone voice while recruiting new students for the upcoming schools, while preparing with my team (Luke and Megan) to head down to california for the next three weeks to spread the passion we have for missions. I got to test my Art skills on some ludicrously cool buttons (they are white with a robot on them, then a red line going across him to symbolizing that you shouldnt be a robot, but the child of god you are called to be. it actually fits nicely into our program) and then i had fun creating our official flier that we will pass out in our "pastor packs" when we hit up different churches.
needless to say, its been busy but exciting. I realized lately that nothing is ever solid in my life. everything is always changing, and i am learning to love it. I am learning to love the fact that most of my friends come from countries that i have never been to, or ever really thought about before i met them. i love that i am always saying hello, though it still stings every time i have to say goodbye. Nothing is constant except the drive to reach the nations, to have adventures, and of course, Christs love, whether he speaks it in whispers or yells it through the sunlight that is pouring through the clouds overlooking the most beautiful meadow i have ever seen. other than that, the foundations are shaky. but i am not standing alone. how could i?

a certain tattoo.

2007-01-28T16:47:00.000-08:00

There are not many things i would change about my life right now.
I've felt this season coming for so long. the season of change and adventure. I never know what is exactly going to happen, but i always know its going to be exciting and somewhat uncertain.
I am definitely staffing a DTS and discovering a newfound respect for the leaders of my own school last january. These people really have given their lives for a cause beyond any of us. for something so unspeakably awesome, so unkown, yet so familiar. No matter the how high the stress levels get, there is this quiet whisper in my soul that says "you belong here." Where once i was dying to feel something, anything, to stop the numbness, now i am crying for people. all people.
Here i am, in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, learning how to live. really live.
As staff, we were asked to pray about and decide this DTS's theme verse. Lindsay, my oldest sister has a tattoo on her back consisting of three (large) nautical stars, and then the reference "phil 2:14-15" underneath them. this is the only thing i could think of the whole time we were praying. lo and behold, it has become our official theme verse. and i think its perfect. In the message's version of the verse, it says at one point, "go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in a squalid and polluted society." seeing as Im going to india, i cannot think of a better mental image of what we are going to be amidst those crowded, dirty streets, those hidden slums. A breath of fresh air. Is God himself not in the very air we breath?
"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault, in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine like stars in the universe."
philipians 2:14-15
if you think of it, pray for us. not necessarily for protection, or courage, but for every breath we breathe, that we are bringing people closer to christ.

in the bleak mid-winter.

2006-12-17T18:12:00.000-08:00

This last week has been rough. I can't even put into words the things that have been bothering me. They are undescribable, and if i tried to talk about them, they would come out almost as trivial. but they aren't. If i had ever felt like giving up, it would have been this week. I need christmas. i need my family, friends, rest, eggnog, my cats and my bed. but mostly, i need the reminder of what christmas really is.
I get so self-absorbed this time of year. which is ironic, seeing as its the "season of giving" and all. i dont know, maybe its just because this week has been so bad. it all started with the big storm. our power went out, and while the rest of salem got their power back the next morning, we went a good three days without it. three days of freezing cold houses, scary dark rooms and no way to cook any food. normally, i would view this as a grand adventure ( the first night i did.) but it was strange. i felt more alone than i ever have in my entire life. every body seemed to have gone. now, this wouldnt have been so terrible if my car hadn't died this week. i felt stranded. forgotten. i kept trying to remind myself that God is faithful. that he will never leave me. but when people (who are made in his image) do forget me and leave me, its so hard to believe that God will not.
It's getting better. the electricity is back on today, which is a plus. i am avoiding going back to the house because everything in our fridge is rotten, and i know it needs to be cleaned. i really wish i had the new sufjan stevens christmas album, because then i would go home and sing really loud and hope the time passes quickly until Christmas.

mulling it over

2006-12-03T20:40:00.000-08:00

I simply cannot believe that this year is almost over. This time last year i was getting ready to move to salem to start my DTS as a frazzled and somewhat insecure wanna-be missionary. I had no idea that in just a few short months i would be traveling to eastern europe, working amongst muslims, having my faith rocked and restored, having my heart ripped open, and learning that recovery is not a quick process. I had no idea that my most favorite people in the world would be orphans, and that i would be swimmming in the black sea with some of the most amazing people i will ever meet. i had no idea that i would be eating bread and fried goat cheese everyday for a month in Georgia (they call it "hodgepouri")
I did know that God was going teach me amazing things, but i didnt know that those things would be so difficult, that i would learn first-hand about forgiveness, even when every fiber in my being just wanted revenge. I learned that God is crazy in love with EVERY single human being, and no matter how hard we try to de-humanize people, God's love still burns so feirce. I learned that when God told me to start loving the Gypsies as He loves them. I will always love the gypsies, thanks to nomadic blood that seems to run through my veins.
What a good year it has been. This upcoming school leaves for thailand on the 28th, and the january school (that i desperately want to staff) will be starting january 8th. its going to be another incredible year, and i know that only because i have no idea whats going to happen.

hip hip hooray.

2006-11-11T14:18:00.000-08:00

One of the things that i've discovered about myself recently is: i love colorado. i realize, all my life i have written this cold and spacious state off on my list of "places to stay for an extended period of time." and i dont know why. its amazing, due to is spectacular skiing, loominous mountains, and abundance of snow. seriously, that state is out of control. besides, dumb and dumber was filmed there.
The mobile trip was good. not excellent, not horrible, just good. and confusing, at times. california was the best. the first stop we made was in Auburn CA, and strangely enough, it was good to be there. Aurbun holds a special place in my heart, mainly for being the very place where my hatred of the church started. And apparently, ended. Ours is a God of healing, peoples. hooray.
From auburn to San FRAn where we stayed at the YWAM base there, then off to San Jose, to Santa cruz, to Frezno. every place we went we were blown away by people. we were so blessed. we always had a place stay, always had food, showers, and amazing company. i only hope we got to bless people as much as we were blessed.
so anyway, the mobile trip ended in Colorado for the GO!conference. i admit, i was not expecting much from this conference, having been to numerous less than amazing christian gatherings. but it was good. i met with God, whatever that means. i didnt necessarily have have any questions answered, but i felt peace. and of course, my love for missions was only fueled even more than usual. to see hundreds of teenagers impassioned about christ and about reaching the lost is incredible. it about floored me.
now, i am back in salem. i dont feel out of place, i dont feel anxious, and i dont feel like i have let God down. this is most triumphant. i feel like God may even delight in me. delight. in. me. this is revolutionary.

going mental, going mobile.

2006-10-18T17:29:00.000-07:00

we leave friday for our mobile trip accross california, nevada, utah, all the way to colorado. i get physically sick when i think about it. thats how nervous i am. i just really want this to be good. i want people to get passionate about christ. about missions, about life, and about love.
we have one day till we leave, and just now, things are starting to come together. God is strange, but good.
so, i would love some prayer. pray for finances, safety, passion, and patience. pray that we start fires wherever we go.

sooner or later, i might let you down.

2006-10-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i just really struggle with the thought that i let you down.
not just you, everybody. preferably, i would like to just skeep by, without standards, without responsiblity and thus never letting anyone be dissapointed by me. ever. i realize this is ludacris. but it sounds nice.
the thing is, i have alot of responsabilities right now, and im terrified of failing. the truth is, i would love to write everyone of my supporters "thank you" letters every month. i would love to have the drama perfect and polished by next week. i would love to have every single assignment finished by monday. i would love to have to my bathroom cleaned, my car washed, my room spotless, the mobile tip planned and paid for. i would love to call a member of my family every single day, just so they know i have no forgotten them. i would love to come home to portland this weekend, just to have a small escape.
i guess what i am trying to say is, im sorry. im sorry for letting you down. im sorry that you may not have heard from me in awhile, or think maybe i had forgotten you. its simply not true. i am not good at this yet, but im working on it. so please forgive me. i love you.

rye rye rye

2006-09-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

my norwegian friend taught me a norgwegian drinking song. its like this... " RYE RYE RYE RYE RYE." the trick is to roll your R's.
anyway, its about that time again. the time for adventure.

i need the clouds

2006-09-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

there is something ridiculously exciting about a cloudy day. not just dull, grey, wispy clouds, but huge, bulking thunderclouds. cumulous clouds, i believe they are called.
Today is definitely not one of those days. its sunny out, and while most people believe that this the epitomy of the perfect day, i disagree. whenever i feel like change is in the air, or when i think something big is going to happen, i always wish for clouds. and sometimes rain.
this week signaled the beginning of Fall DTS 06. I am techically an intern, or in the "galilee project", as they say. i was told sometime last week, that when the DTS started, my life would no longer be my own. though i laughed for that moment, i now realize how right those words were. my life has been one big chaos fest ever since.
this is my confession...
one of the leaders that i truly respect, treats everyone, for the most part, the same. that is, really well. he is kind, and honest and sincerely cares about the best for every individual. although, i noticed that there is one person that he is ultra-nice to. this person is grumpy, and irritable, and to be honest, it annoys the heck out of me that our leader would give preferential treatment to said person. but then i got to thinking. isn't that Christ? did he not come for the healthy, but for the sick? i realize, that while i might feel a bit left out, its ok. i can handle it. i dont need extra-niceness. i need honesty and a good smack in the philosophical face from time to time.
it is now the pirate fall. i hope you are all ready.

yes yes, i am bomba

2006-08-18T22:14:00.000-07:00

these last few days my sister lindsay has been in town. wednesday was her birthday,and we had a fabulous lebonese experience at nicolas' restaraunt downtown. one of the first restaraunts i went to overseas was a lebonese place, complete with hookah bar and belly dancers. i got all home sick at nicolas'.
well, the thing is, whenever lindsay comes home, i always go through this phase where i feel inadequate about every aspect of my physical appearance. i always feel a bit uncool or geeky. and its not lindsay that does it to me, its knowing that she's from LA, and secretly, LA terrifies me. i hate most shallow things, and so my loathing for Las Angeles should be pretty apparent. i hate hollywood, and i hate the ridiculous masks everyone wears. but anyway, i have been struggling with that this week, and i recently remembered when i was in Batumi (rep. of georgia)i made a whole bunch of amazing friends. we were teaching english courses at the university there, and i even got to play the guitar and sing for one of the classes. it went brilliantly, and from the thunderous applause you would have thought i was a real rock-star. after the class, a couple of these really hip girls came up to me and we casually chatted for awhile about cultural things like music, fashion, food...etc. then, one of the girls said something about my singing being beautiful (i believe it was compared to Christina agulera...)and of course i started blushing crimson and thanked her, but told her it wasn't all that good, and trying to be modest and everything. then the other girl says, "yes, you are like Bomba."
i blinked at her for a few seconds then said "sorry? whats 'bomba'?"
"it is girl who is very...very...how you say? sexual? beautiful?" she sheepishly tried to explain.
"oh, you mean like a skank?" i asked, a bit frazzled by her boldness.
"oh, yes yes, you are skank!" she laughed
"yes, a skank!" her friend agreed.
"oh" said I. they must be crazy.
but they kept saying like it was a GOOD THING. later, we said our goodbyes and i left feeling stupid. honestly, i dont think im skanky at all, but if that is the vibe i was giving off, something needed to change.
later that night, our translator, keti, asked me what was wrong. i told her about the bomba/skank incident, and she just started laughing.
"no no" she said. "bomba is high compliment. it means girl who is very pretty, who is like a firecracker in the night. she brings light. it also means... (and she got all quiet) its ok to say this?" i said yes. "it means girl with very large boobs. Georgians love big boobs."
and thus, my mild panic attack was averted. i look back, and i am so blessed to have been given such high praise. one of my leaders when i came back from O.R. told me that i had a natural beauty that draws people. he said that beauty is Christ. that is what i want. i want Christ to be so evident in me, that people feel welcomed, feel loved, feel safe. i try my hardest to feel beautiful on days like today when i feel like smashing every mirror within a 50 mile radius. its tough, but im learning that the beauty of Christ outshines everything else, and on the worst of days, i try and remember that i am real bomba.

Gangs and my thoughts on the Bible.

2006-07-12T14:09:00.000-07:00

I got that weird feeling again today. the one where i feel like i need to pack up and move away immediately. but in a good way. not because i am discontent, or because im sad or bored, but because i desperately want to meet new people unlike myself and everyone i know. it all started last night when i was watching PBS. i really can't handle sitcoms anymore. all i ever want to watch are those boring yet informative documentories about world travel and things. this show was about gangs in El Salvador. at one point they asked this gang 18 member what he thought about death. the kid just said "i know what i do in God's eyes is bad. but in my eyes, and my gangs eyes, it is for good. Where do you think i will go when i die? i think i will go to hell where i will burn."
it about killed me.
for ages now, i've had the desire to live in places that no-one else will go. i want to live in India, Sudan, Cairo, and now El Salvador. i want to live in ghettos, experience poverty, and love people who've never known love. i know it will be hard, but i can't stop watching these shows and getting more and more desperate for these people. its in those moments that i actually feel something stronger than any emotion i could fake. my heart for the unloveable is real. i've felt numb for so long, its actually good to feel heartbreak again.
Today is gross and rainy, and i love it. i woke up to find myself sleeping in dog puke (scout is sick) and still, i am in a good mood. i nannied all morning and my sister was unusually crabby, and yet, today seems beautiful. i read my bible for the first time in awhile last night, and it hit me, this book is crazy. its our entire, messed up history of love, war, sex, violence, peace, death and life. and i love it. i've never been excited to read the bible before. this is a big step.

the pirate summer

2006-07-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

as i type, there is a ferocious thunder storm outside. its a beautiful, muggy summer night. a night i would normally be out having adventures in. the crazy static feel of lightning always makes me want to dance and sing and run and sometimes swim. but theres something else. i feel discontented and anxious, like something really big and important is going to happen.
being back in the country, i have felt this alot. but tonight, the feeling is so strong, it stings and gives me the startling notion that maybe my heart will never heal. perhaps i will always feel a little lost and uncomfortable. i am a nomad, after all. but so was jesus.
tomorrow is te 4th of july. my family has never really been one to make a huge fuss about it. we normally just mooch off some other wholesome, church families patriotism. i just went for the hot dogs and sparklers. sometimes i wish we were that family who stayed in the same city, neighborhood and house my whole life. that we had the same people over every year for independence day, always lit off the same fireworks, and always drank the same beer. maybe then i would not feel like this.
but its this feeling that keeps me from settling. i cannot settle. it terrifies me to see the majority of americans who have never stepped outside the western box. i want to scream, slap, shake them till they look up and say "My God! why didn't i see this before?"
a rude awakening, if you will.
i press on, struggling everyday with the fact that i could be accross the world actually making a tangible difference in somebodies life, instead of being here, pretending to care who is dating who, and always putting on the "i'm perfectly fine" mask. because im not. i hurt. and sometimes all i want to do is run into the middle of the lightning storm, because its terrifingly beautiful and unsafe, but its always in those situations that i feel God most present.
maybe thats what i am chasing.

i guess this is goodbye

2006-04-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

i went home this weekend, just one last time before i leave the country. tomorrow is a huge day for me. i've been waiting years for an opportunity like this one, not only to travel, but to find my servants heart. how can i explain the hollow ache in my heart when i realize the only life i've lived, is the tragically shallow self-seeking life that i despise? i could blame it on western culture, or i could own up to my own selfish nature. we all know there is a grander scheme at hand. one that we can be apart of if we choose to be. the hard part is actually making the effort to become the change. if you are serious about it, your entire life will be altered. ruined for the ordinary, if you will. but anyway...

so, tomorrow we embark on a grand adventure. i dont think im allowed to say where exactly we are going but i can say what we will be doing. the first place we go, we will be working with women who have been rescued from a life of prostitution, teaching them how to sew, cook and speak english. from there, we leave for the next country where we will be teaching children english and possibly working with orphanages. it is all so unclear, which sucks, but thats how it goes here. funny thing is, it seems in both countries we will be working with ample amounts of children. if you know me well, you know im not exactly fond of kids. but they love me! i cant explain it, but im like the pied piper of children. its ridiculous. it really is. even here in salem, kids flock to me. so, i've slowly been learning to cope with this undesired reality. funny enough, i've kind of developed a, shall we say, "liking" for them? not all of them, mind you (Baby steps) but there are a few that i can honestly say i dont mind. so this is good.

a perk of liking kids will be this summer, if i decide to stay here and work on the ropes course as staff. last week, my entire team had to do the ropes course. oh man, it was hard. there were times when your life was in the handsof your teammates, and quite frankly, i was scared out of my mind. but we all pulled through ok. in fact it was spectacular. one of the coolest things i did was actually the day before,when my small group leader thought it would be a good idea to make her small group do the "pamper pole." that is, a very high pole, that you climb up, stand on top of, jump off, and hit the little orange ball dangling in the air. its no lie that this is the most mentally challenging thing in the entire ropes course. so, when i heard that this was the choice activity for our group, i flipped out. i didnt know why at the time, but i was sobbing. all my life, i've believed that i can't do things like that. that im not good at outdoorsy things, that im not athletic enough, that im weak. but jeff, the ropes leader, told me otherwise. he said that i could, in fact, conqure the pamper pole, and that i needed to stop believing the lie that im weak and not worth the effort. i've always believed that my value was based mostly on my failures. thats why its astounds me when people love me despite my short-comings. this is what jeff told me. and finally, i believed the truth.

im not gong to tell you if i did, in fact, conqure the pamper pole. you can ask me when i get back. lets just say, it was the most triumphant day in my entire life.

crabby patty

2006-03-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

some of you may have noticed that i deleted my last blog. sigh. i liked it too. but i was told that it could be potentially dangerous or something crazy like that.
anyhoo, this week has been insane. our speaker was Tom Polson and his lectures were on biblical world view. i have to say, he presented it in manner i had never heard before and it was incredibly rivetting. but now i am spent. all week we have been nothing but a bunch of crab-cakes.
so, today i am heading home for a day and a half of relaxation. i have never been more excited to go home. having done most of my homework last night, i can now look foward to a night of pure fun with the family.

on a completely unrelated topic, i learned how to play frisbee golf this week. i've always just assumed that frisbee golf was a stupid way to waste time for the more athletically prone people. but, a friend practically forced me into it, and i actually enjoyed myself (only because i dont suck that bad) if i had sucked, i probably would be saying things like "frisbee golf is the worst past-time ever." actually, the only reason i was ok at it, was because my friend would stand ten feet to the right of the marker and say "aim for my face." and i would make the goal almost every time. a few times i did actually hit him, but he survived ok.
i think its funny how we competitive types are always to huffy about losing. i pretty much just gave up anything competitive becuase i am such a sore loser. however, i realized my self worth is not chalked up to how under par i am. nobody is going to like me less if i am terrible at frisbee golf. so, i threw caution to the wind and i had fun. it was even raining and i didnt care how my hair looked. and surprisingly enough, i did good.

early morning kills me

2006-01-28T09:50:00.000-08:00

today is saturday. thinking i was going to be able to sleep in as long as i desired this morning, i've been staying up pretty late. as it turns out, i have kitchen duty today. our one day to sleep in, and i have to be in the kitchen by 7 am. hooray. so, grumpily i stumbled out of bed and somehow arrived to my work duty on time. the thing is, we are supposed to have another person to work with (especially because i have never even been inside this kitchen much less prepared breakfast for 20 people in it)
unfortunately, my partner in breakfast serving crime, never arrived. so i waited a half hour and still no show. so i thought to myself "screw it, nobody eats breakfast anyway."
however, on my way back to the dorms, i pass the one person who actually does eat breakfast. i looked him straight in the eye and stated "no breakfast today. its been cancelled."
he simply would not have it. in fact, he said he would help me.
so we made breakfast
and it was awful. i was tired and cranky and didnt want to be in the kitchen at all, much less with this guy. but slowly people did start to arrive. (and slowly my pride crumbled)
after an hour, these guys walk in, and somehow we start talking. they are from homer alaska. they have heard of me. they said "hey, aren't you that one girl with the eyebrow ring?" and i says "yeah, that was me."
apparently, the summer i lived in homer, they were gone, but they are friends with all my homer buddies. and they heard all about me. it was the nicest conversation i've had in a really long time.
its funny how annoyed i was this morning, but there was a purpose in it all. firstly, the last person i wanted help from, was the only person who was offering help. and bitterly i accepted. it turns out that he is really helpful and knows about a million things about kitchens. finally, i stopped being snippy and thanked him about a hundred times.
secondly, i love the random connections i am able to make through my life of travel. its like God knows when i need a pick me up. those boys made my day. and i never would have talked to them if i didn't have kitchen duty this morning.
unfortunately, i still have dinner duty. perhaps i will meet someone from wyoming or something.

sometimes its unfair

2006-01-26T19:20:00.000-08:00

lectures are boring.

this week, we have a speaker who is covering the very narrow subject of "discipleship."
not only is he very unclear in his speaking, but he never seems to arrive at a point. as my good friend put it, "its like a huge messy stew of information."
so, needless to say, this week has had its challenges. not to say i didn't obtain any useful facts and/or trite christian sayings, because i did. and i absolutely loved it when he misquoted people like jim elliot.

*deep breath*

anyhoo, i realized today, that i can never please the members of the opposite gender. i've often heard that they like smart and saucy women, who are not afraid to speak their minds. but i think that rumor was made up by confused, unpopular women. because this is not true.
for years now, i have had no problem in expressing my opinion and/or thoughts on any matter i find worthy. however, today, after a long debate, i was told, with a huff, that i "think i know everything." silly boy. i DO know everything.

but really, it was only my opinion, and i'm pretty sure his is just as flawed as mine. on either side, it was circular reasoning, which gets old real fast.

boy do i love to vent my angst on the internet.

2006-01-23T19:16:00.000-08:00

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/asian.0.jpg

rain spoils things

2006-01-23T18:39:00.000-08:00

salem. is. soggy.

oh man. i never thought that i, candyce, could ever possibly get sick of the rain. however, i can, and i am. the thing is, rain finds its way through everything. its seems all the roofs here at camp ywam are leaky, and thus moldy, and quite frankly, its smells. like dead bodies.

but enough about that. so, everyone here has pretty much horrid taste in music. i prayed for a music buddy, but none arrived. there is one potential music buddy, but i dont think its going to work out. perhaps this is the end of my music snobbery. i've been accused of this before, and really, im nothing in comparison with my oldest sister lindsay. shes leagues ahead of me in that department. half of the time i mostly just pretend to know what shes talking about when she starts rambling off some hip new bands. sigh. the thing is, ive tried liking silly bands, but i cant.

right now, im sitting in the cafe (i work here) and i am listening to the soundtrack to amelie. its beautiful. but nobody gets it. i lit candles, even. so, goodbye music snobbery. now, i can move on and start (hopefully) to be sincerely interested when someones starts talking about that jack johnson concert they went to last summer.

allow me to introduce myself

2006-01-19T15:10:00.000-08:00

so, i caved to the blog mania that has struck the planet.

let me begin. i am candyce, i'm currently doing a dts with ywam in salem Or, and it is fantastic. its raining, all the time (not really that different from portland...so far) there are the coolest kids here, and i work in the cafe and hospitality department. (i made muffins yesterday!)

gratefully, i am not in love with any boys yet.

salem is a strange place. our ywam base used to be a hospital for handicapped kids, (in the 60's) so when i go to put mints on the guests pillows (part of the hospitality job) i get really creeped out. you see, the nurses in the hospital didnt want the kids touching the light switches, so they built the hospital with extremely high light sockets and switches. i can barely reach them. much less little handicapped children. and all the rooms are just oddly shaped and really eerie. its wonderful.
but anyway, i love it here, and next week we will know where we are going on outreach. so, i will keep all ya'lls posted.