the pirate summer

as i type, there is a ferocious thunder storm outside. its a beautiful, muggy summer night. a night i would normally be out having adventures in. the crazy static feel of lightning always makes me want to dance and sing and run and sometimes swim. but theres something else. i feel discontented and anxious, like something really big and important is going to happen.
being back in the country, i have felt this alot. but tonight, the feeling is so strong, it stings and gives me the startling notion that maybe my heart will never heal. perhaps i will always feel a little lost and uncomfortable. i am a nomad, after all. but so was jesus.
tomorrow is te 4th of july. my family has never really been one to make a huge fuss about it. we normally just mooch off some other wholesome, church families patriotism. i just went for the hot dogs and sparklers. sometimes i wish we were that family who stayed in the same city, neighborhood and house my whole life. that we had the same people over every year for independence day, always lit off the same fireworks, and always drank the same beer. maybe then i would not feel like this.
but its this feeling that keeps me from settling. i cannot settle. it terrifies me to see the majority of americans who have never stepped outside the western box. i want to scream, slap, shake them till they look up and say "My God! why didn't i see this before?"
a rude awakening, if you will.
i press on, struggling everyday with the fact that i could be accross the world actually making a tangible difference in somebodies life, instead of being here, pretending to care who is dating who, and always putting on the "i'm perfectly fine" mask. because im not. i hurt. and sometimes all i want to do is run into the middle of the lightning storm, because its terrifingly beautiful and unsafe, but its always in those situations that i feel God most present.
maybe thats what i am chasing.