i've found it.

Over a month i have been in the states now, and still my determination to see certain nations changed hasn't diminished. There is something new, and a little frightening, growing in my heart, my mind, my every-day thoughts. Its the notion that maybe, just maybe, I really can change the world.
As i look back on the years (maybe even months) i see an insecure girl start to step up, step out, and face her (numerous) fears that have held her back most of her life. She has striven, mind you, her entire existence to find a cause to throw her entire being at...Every ounce of her has screamed for a life worth living for. However, she also knew this meant facing unspeakable fears. She would be discovered... all her dirt, all her grime, all her weakeness. and eveyone would see the true failure she really was.
But something was whispering deep into her soul. Saying "My grace is sufficient for you. my grace is sufficient for you." What is grace? she'd been taught about it her whole life. she'd sung the songs, read the verses, even told other people about it. but i dont think she ever really got it. until recently.
Yes, she is a failure. she could never save herself. she could never save others. But she started to do something, something entirely key to her very existence. she started to do things she'd been taught. little things, like actually loving her neighbor, whether that neigbor be in Africa, or literally right next door. She started to spread the gospel, whether it was with actions, or standing in front of hundreds of people and sharing about Jesus. Although she never felt worthy, God always used her. Although she never felt worthy, God found her extremely capable.
And during all this, the fears began to fade. What can man do to me? oh, alot. But the better question is, what can i do for man? the answer, is love. i can love them. i can feed them. i can tell them they are beautiful and valuable, and even equip them to become nation changers. I had no idea that this girl actually had the authority to speak into peoples lives. Grace, maybe not yet even fully understood, had alot to do with this new revelation.
It is a continuous journey for me to figure out this whole grace thing. its something prostitutes, drug addicts, drunks, and criminals get, but for some reason, those of us raised in the church have the hardest time figuring this out. I have to earn it! It cant possibly be free! thats preposterous!
But no, it really is free. I am a failure. in so many ways. But i am done condemning myself. God certainly never condemned me. and to show my gratitude, i have decided to take the steps to follow him, whether they are baby steps, or gigantic "go to africa alone" steps. and with each step comes the greatest adventures i could ever hope for.