i guess this is goodbye

i went home this weekend, just one last time before i leave the country. tomorrow is a huge day for me. i've been waiting years for an opportunity like this one, not only to travel, but to find my servants heart. how can i explain the hollow ache in my heart when i realize the only life i've lived, is the tragically shallow self-seeking life that i despise? i could blame it on western culture, or i could own up to my own selfish nature. we all know there is a grander scheme at hand. one that we can be apart of if we choose to be. the hard part is actually making the effort to become the change. if you are serious about it, your entire life will be altered. ruined for the ordinary, if you will. but anyway...

so, tomorrow we embark on a grand adventure. i dont think im allowed to say where exactly we are going but i can say what we will be doing. the first place we go, we will be working with women who have been rescued from a life of prostitution, teaching them how to sew, cook and speak english. from there, we leave for the next country where we will be teaching children english and possibly working with orphanages. it is all so unclear, which sucks, but thats how it goes here. funny thing is, it seems in both countries we will be working with ample amounts of children. if you know me well, you know im not exactly fond of kids. but they love me! i cant explain it, but im like the pied piper of children. its ridiculous. it really is. even here in salem, kids flock to me. so, i've slowly been learning to cope with this undesired reality. funny enough, i've kind of developed a, shall we say, "liking" for them? not all of them, mind you (Baby steps) but there are a few that i can honestly say i dont mind. so this is good.

a perk of liking kids will be this summer, if i decide to stay here and work on the ropes course as staff. last week, my entire team had to do the ropes course. oh man, it was hard. there were times when your life was in the handsof your teammates, and quite frankly, i was scared out of my mind. but we all pulled through ok. in fact it was spectacular. one of the coolest things i did was actually the day before,when my small group leader thought it would be a good idea to make her small group do the "pamper pole." that is, a very high pole, that you climb up, stand on top of, jump off, and hit the little orange ball dangling in the air. its no lie that this is the most mentally challenging thing in the entire ropes course. so, when i heard that this was the choice activity for our group, i flipped out. i didnt know why at the time, but i was sobbing. all my life, i've believed that i can't do things like that. that im not good at outdoorsy things, that im not athletic enough, that im weak. but jeff, the ropes leader, told me otherwise. he said that i could, in fact, conqure the pamper pole, and that i needed to stop believing the lie that im weak and not worth the effort. i've always believed that my value was based mostly on my failures. thats why its astounds me when people love me despite my short-comings. this is what jeff told me. and finally, i believed the truth.

im not gong to tell you if i did, in fact, conqure the pamper pole. you can ask me when i get back. lets just say, it was the most triumphant day in my entire life.