home sweet...africa?

yup.

its official. i miss africa. terribly. and i would have about a million pictures to put up, but i get nervous trying to figure these sorts of things out... things like how to post pictures on a blog. i dont know why. some may even say its irrational.
well, anyway, the african adventure is not one i can easily put into writing. the whole journey was crazy and beautiful and scary and good. there were definite times i probably should've died. I remember trying to email my mom, and being all undercover (like i couldnt say "jesus" or things of that nature) so i used all these sly code-words. i have ALWAYS wanted to use sly code-words. but this was for reals.
my main goal, throughout all these emails, was to convey a sense of security, and even harmony. for instance, when i got sick (so sick, i was found sleeping on a dirt floor next to a squatty potty in 120 degree weather at 3 am) i tried to brush it off, making it sound like i was a bit "under the weather," when in fact, i was told i had malaria. i still dont know what i had. all i know is, it was aweful.
every minute of my life there was extremely unstable. not in a bad sense, but in a way where i could never count on anything, except peoples words. I began to trust people, not because i wanted to, but because my life depended on it. for me, this is a big deal. people have always let me down, and i am no exception. i have built a firm foundation on the fact that people fail, and i will be hurt.
however, i could not live like this in africa. i had to trust. i had to believe that when i left the bus station in the middle of some crazy city in some crazy nation, that someone would be there to pick me up, to help me adjust, and to be my friend. i didnt have a phone, and email was rare and expensive. and so, i began to let down my guard.
through that, i got to experience some of the most raw friendships i have ever had. i really like africa. i still am processing that trip, and wondering when i will ever go back, because believe you me, i will.
as of now, i am trying to adjust to "normal" life again, whatever that means. sometimes i want to tell people whats out there, whats really going on in the rest of the world, but words just cant do it. and so, i am trying to live it.

i've found it.

Over a month i have been in the states now, and still my determination to see certain nations changed hasn't diminished. There is something new, and a little frightening, growing in my heart, my mind, my every-day thoughts. Its the notion that maybe, just maybe, I really can change the world.
As i look back on the years (maybe even months) i see an insecure girl start to step up, step out, and face her (numerous) fears that have held her back most of her life. She has striven, mind you, her entire existence to find a cause to throw her entire being at...Every ounce of her has screamed for a life worth living for. However, she also knew this meant facing unspeakable fears. She would be discovered... all her dirt, all her grime, all her weakeness. and eveyone would see the true failure she really was.
But something was whispering deep into her soul. Saying "My grace is sufficient for you. my grace is sufficient for you." What is grace? she'd been taught about it her whole life. she'd sung the songs, read the verses, even told other people about it. but i dont think she ever really got it. until recently.
Yes, she is a failure. she could never save herself. she could never save others. But she started to do something, something entirely key to her very existence. she started to do things she'd been taught. little things, like actually loving her neighbor, whether that neigbor be in Africa, or literally right next door. She started to spread the gospel, whether it was with actions, or standing in front of hundreds of people and sharing about Jesus. Although she never felt worthy, God always used her. Although she never felt worthy, God found her extremely capable.
And during all this, the fears began to fade. What can man do to me? oh, alot. But the better question is, what can i do for man? the answer, is love. i can love them. i can feed them. i can tell them they are beautiful and valuable, and even equip them to become nation changers. I had no idea that this girl actually had the authority to speak into peoples lives. Grace, maybe not yet even fully understood, had alot to do with this new revelation.
It is a continuous journey for me to figure out this whole grace thing. its something prostitutes, drug addicts, drunks, and criminals get, but for some reason, those of us raised in the church have the hardest time figuring this out. I have to earn it! It cant possibly be free! thats preposterous!
But no, it really is free. I am a failure. in so many ways. But i am done condemning myself. God certainly never condemned me. and to show my gratitude, i have decided to take the steps to follow him, whether they are baby steps, or gigantic "go to africa alone" steps. and with each step comes the greatest adventures i could ever hope for.